No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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