for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
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Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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