there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
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I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
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My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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