I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
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my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
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Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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