I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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