I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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