The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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