she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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