So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
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If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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