I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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