I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
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let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
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I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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