My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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