I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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