it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
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There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
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The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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