Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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