If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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