I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
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Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Dear god my vagina.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize