So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
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Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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