hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
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Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize