Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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