Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize