i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
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Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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