i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
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She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
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