I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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