So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
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I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
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Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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