youre lurking in front of me
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
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Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
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You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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