At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
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I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
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We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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