i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
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Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
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laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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