If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
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Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
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You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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