Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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