I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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