i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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