i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
someone owes me an orgasm
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
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Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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