I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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