@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
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When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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