If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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