no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
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he fucked my hip out of place.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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