so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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