And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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