I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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