I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
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I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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