i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
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Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
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No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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