My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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