im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
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She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
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So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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