Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
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You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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