so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
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i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
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Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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