God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize