If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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