I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
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Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
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I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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