I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
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He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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